Parody
This story was inspired by two of my favorite TV shows,
"Batman" and "Gunsmoke." I wondered what would happen
if Batman and Robin showed up in Dodge City
"Batman" and "Gunsmoke." I wondered what would happen
if Batman and Robin showed up in Dodge City
Holy Gunsmoke, Batman
(Marshal Matt Dillon and Deputy Festus Haggen are seated at the bar at the Long Branch Saloon in Dodge City.)
Festus: Matthew, I jest don’t see how you kin let that no-good, spindly-necked, gizzard-chompin’ Jeremiah Jeeters git off scott free! You know as well as I do that he parked his horse illegally next to Zed’s waterhole!
Dillon: Now, Festus. Jeeters never hurt a fly. Sure, he parked his Appaloosa in a “No-Pony” zone, but I think he learned his lesson when Zed shot his canteen full of lead.
Festus: Well, if you ask me, I think he should be locked up in the jailhouse. You jest cain’t let a man like that out on the streets.
Dillon: Careful, Festus. You keep this up and I’ll have to get Barney Fife to replace you as my deputy.
Festus: I didn’t mean nuthin’ by it, Matthew. I was just spoutin’ off again.
Dillon: I understand. This heat is getting to all of us. Let me buy you another drink. (To Kitty, who is tending bar): Kitty, get Festus another Manhattan.
Kitty: Anything for you, Matt?
Dillon: I reckon I can handle one more Snapple. By the way, have you had any run-ins with Jeremiah Jeeters?
Kitty: You mean that mangy, good-fer-nuthin’, donkey-toothed pole cat?
Festus: That’s the one.
Kitty: He was in here the other night harassing the dancing girls. Betty Lou slapped him when he snapped her garter and then a couple of fellas threw him out the door. Haven’t seen him since. Is there some kind of trouble brewing?
Dillon: Not yet, but we’re keeping our eyes on him.
(Batman and Robin enter the saloon and sit at the end of the bar.)
Festus: Well, would you lookee that? Where do you think them fellas is from?
Dillon: Not around here, that’s for sure.
Kitty (To Batman and Robin): What can I get for you boys?
Batman: Milk. Straight up.
Robin: Make mine chocolate. Shaken, not stirred.
Kitty: I’ll see what I can do. (Exits.)
(Dillon and Festus take seats next to the Dynamic Duo.)
Dillon: I’m the Marshal in these parts. Name’s Matt Dillon. This is my deputy, Festus Haggen.
Batman: Pleased to meet you, Marshal. Can you guess who I am?
Dillon: Well, I’d say Superman, but I don’t see an “S” on your costume.
Batman: Your powers of observation are beyond belief. Surely you’ve heard of me. Don’t you get the news from Gotham City?
Festus: Is that somewheres near Topeka?
Robin: Holy hillbilly, Batman! Let’s fix the flat on the Bat-Mobile and get outta Dodge!
Batman: No, Robin. My emergency belt-buckle Bat-Signal tells me that we’re in the right place.
Dillon: So you’re Batman.
Batman: At your service.
Dillon: And this must be the Boy Wonder.
Robin: What gave me away? My mask? My cape?
Dillon: You ordered chocolate milk.
Robin: Holy Holstein! Next time I’m getting a java chip frappucino.
(Doc Brown from “Back to the Future” enters.)
Doc Brown: Matt! Festus! Come quick! Jeremiah Jeeters is down at the Ponderosa! He’s wreaking havoc!
Dillon: Who are you?
Doc Brown: No time for introductions! I only have seven minutes and 39 seconds until the flux capacitor self-destructs! Good luck! (Exits.)
Festus: What in the name of Slim Pickens is a flux capaci-callit?
Batman: A flux capacitor is an essential element of a DeLorean time machine, which requires 1.21 gigawatts of electricity supplied by a plutonium powered nuclear reactor. But never mind that. Who’s Jeremiah Jeeters?
Dillon: The bad guy.
Festus: He’s been causin’ nuthin’ but trouble since the day he rode into town wearin’ that big yella hat with a monkey on his shoulder.
Batman: By George, that’s curious.
Dillon: We’d better find out what’s going on at the Ponderosa. Come on, Festus.
Batman: Do you need some help?
Dillon: Couldn’t hurt.
Batman: Robin! To the Bat-Mobile!
Robin: Uh … the flat. Remember?
Batman: Of course. Alas! Why wasn’t I given the power of flight like Superman? For the love of kryptonite, even Wonder Woman can fly!
Dillon: You can ride with us. But we’ll have to double up; we’ve only got two horses.
Batman: Excellent. I suggest the sidekicks ride together. Robin’s always wanted to learn about the Old West and I haven’t had time to give him lessons, what with fighting crime and all that jazz.
Dillon: I’m sure Festus would be glad to oblige.
Festus: I reckon I can teach the youngun a thing or three.
Robin: Holy fourth-grade education, Batman!
(Dillon, Festus, Batman and Robin arrive at the Ponderosa. Jeremiah Jeeters is in the corral with several horses. He is putting party hats on their heads and braiding yellow ribbons in their tails.)
Dillon: Jeeters! Drop the ribbon! You’re coming with us!
Jeeters: Don’t come any closer, Marshal. I’ve got glitter and I know how to use it!
Batman: That voice. It sounds familiar.
Jeeters: Back off, you queer quartet of quivering quacks!
Batman: I’d recognize that cacophonous, categorical cackle anywhere! The Joker!
Robin: Holy Brokeback Mountain, Batman!
Jeeters: HA-HA! Yes! It is I … horrendous harbinger of hysterical humor! These horses are ensconced in deadly decorations dipped in dynamite dregs. At my signal, they will stampede through town and I will trigger the detonator. Dodge City will be destroyed forever!
Dillon: But why?
Jeeters: I was always the last kid picked for teams in dodge ball.
Batman: Not so fast, Joker. That’s an ACME Circus Pony Stampede Detonator. And you know what that means.
Jeeters: Egads! Not the dreaded Wile E. Coyote Effect! I’m doomed!
Batman: More like Ka-BOOMED!
Dillon: Unless you agree to a deal.
Jeeters: Anything you say, Marshal!
Dillon: Festus? Tell this joker what’s behind door number three.
Festus: Yeeeeeee doggies! Jeeters, looks like you’re goin’ to be Dodge City’s new rodeo clown!
Jeeters: Don’t kid a kidder!
Dillon: It’s either that … or we turn you over to the Cartwrights.
Festus: And would you lookee yonder! The Cartwright boys are jest now ridin’ up over that there hill. They ain’t gonna be too happy to see what you done to their ponies.
(Music is heard. “Bonanza” theme song.)
Festus: Looks like ol’ Ben’s got hisself a brandin’ iron, and Hoss’s totin’ that tommy hawk he yanked outta that Apache’s back last summer. Yep … there’s Little Joe with those nunchucks Hop Sing gave him fer Christmas.
Dillon: And Adam is brandishing the “Complete Works of William Shakespeare.” God help you, Jeeters.
Batman: Name your poison, Joker. Rodeo clown ... or Ponderosa pate?
Jeeters: (Singing) Be a clown! Be a clown! All the world loves a clown!
Robin: Holy Pagliacci, Batman!
THE END
Festus: Matthew, I jest don’t see how you kin let that no-good, spindly-necked, gizzard-chompin’ Jeremiah Jeeters git off scott free! You know as well as I do that he parked his horse illegally next to Zed’s waterhole!
Dillon: Now, Festus. Jeeters never hurt a fly. Sure, he parked his Appaloosa in a “No-Pony” zone, but I think he learned his lesson when Zed shot his canteen full of lead.
Festus: Well, if you ask me, I think he should be locked up in the jailhouse. You jest cain’t let a man like that out on the streets.
Dillon: Careful, Festus. You keep this up and I’ll have to get Barney Fife to replace you as my deputy.
Festus: I didn’t mean nuthin’ by it, Matthew. I was just spoutin’ off again.
Dillon: I understand. This heat is getting to all of us. Let me buy you another drink. (To Kitty, who is tending bar): Kitty, get Festus another Manhattan.
Kitty: Anything for you, Matt?
Dillon: I reckon I can handle one more Snapple. By the way, have you had any run-ins with Jeremiah Jeeters?
Kitty: You mean that mangy, good-fer-nuthin’, donkey-toothed pole cat?
Festus: That’s the one.
Kitty: He was in here the other night harassing the dancing girls. Betty Lou slapped him when he snapped her garter and then a couple of fellas threw him out the door. Haven’t seen him since. Is there some kind of trouble brewing?
Dillon: Not yet, but we’re keeping our eyes on him.
(Batman and Robin enter the saloon and sit at the end of the bar.)
Festus: Well, would you lookee that? Where do you think them fellas is from?
Dillon: Not around here, that’s for sure.
Kitty (To Batman and Robin): What can I get for you boys?
Batman: Milk. Straight up.
Robin: Make mine chocolate. Shaken, not stirred.
Kitty: I’ll see what I can do. (Exits.)
(Dillon and Festus take seats next to the Dynamic Duo.)
Dillon: I’m the Marshal in these parts. Name’s Matt Dillon. This is my deputy, Festus Haggen.
Batman: Pleased to meet you, Marshal. Can you guess who I am?
Dillon: Well, I’d say Superman, but I don’t see an “S” on your costume.
Batman: Your powers of observation are beyond belief. Surely you’ve heard of me. Don’t you get the news from Gotham City?
Festus: Is that somewheres near Topeka?
Robin: Holy hillbilly, Batman! Let’s fix the flat on the Bat-Mobile and get outta Dodge!
Batman: No, Robin. My emergency belt-buckle Bat-Signal tells me that we’re in the right place.
Dillon: So you’re Batman.
Batman: At your service.
Dillon: And this must be the Boy Wonder.
Robin: What gave me away? My mask? My cape?
Dillon: You ordered chocolate milk.
Robin: Holy Holstein! Next time I’m getting a java chip frappucino.
(Doc Brown from “Back to the Future” enters.)
Doc Brown: Matt! Festus! Come quick! Jeremiah Jeeters is down at the Ponderosa! He’s wreaking havoc!
Dillon: Who are you?
Doc Brown: No time for introductions! I only have seven minutes and 39 seconds until the flux capacitor self-destructs! Good luck! (Exits.)
Festus: What in the name of Slim Pickens is a flux capaci-callit?
Batman: A flux capacitor is an essential element of a DeLorean time machine, which requires 1.21 gigawatts of electricity supplied by a plutonium powered nuclear reactor. But never mind that. Who’s Jeremiah Jeeters?
Dillon: The bad guy.
Festus: He’s been causin’ nuthin’ but trouble since the day he rode into town wearin’ that big yella hat with a monkey on his shoulder.
Batman: By George, that’s curious.
Dillon: We’d better find out what’s going on at the Ponderosa. Come on, Festus.
Batman: Do you need some help?
Dillon: Couldn’t hurt.
Batman: Robin! To the Bat-Mobile!
Robin: Uh … the flat. Remember?
Batman: Of course. Alas! Why wasn’t I given the power of flight like Superman? For the love of kryptonite, even Wonder Woman can fly!
Dillon: You can ride with us. But we’ll have to double up; we’ve only got two horses.
Batman: Excellent. I suggest the sidekicks ride together. Robin’s always wanted to learn about the Old West and I haven’t had time to give him lessons, what with fighting crime and all that jazz.
Dillon: I’m sure Festus would be glad to oblige.
Festus: I reckon I can teach the youngun a thing or three.
Robin: Holy fourth-grade education, Batman!
(Dillon, Festus, Batman and Robin arrive at the Ponderosa. Jeremiah Jeeters is in the corral with several horses. He is putting party hats on their heads and braiding yellow ribbons in their tails.)
Dillon: Jeeters! Drop the ribbon! You’re coming with us!
Jeeters: Don’t come any closer, Marshal. I’ve got glitter and I know how to use it!
Batman: That voice. It sounds familiar.
Jeeters: Back off, you queer quartet of quivering quacks!
Batman: I’d recognize that cacophonous, categorical cackle anywhere! The Joker!
Robin: Holy Brokeback Mountain, Batman!
Jeeters: HA-HA! Yes! It is I … horrendous harbinger of hysterical humor! These horses are ensconced in deadly decorations dipped in dynamite dregs. At my signal, they will stampede through town and I will trigger the detonator. Dodge City will be destroyed forever!
Dillon: But why?
Jeeters: I was always the last kid picked for teams in dodge ball.
Batman: Not so fast, Joker. That’s an ACME Circus Pony Stampede Detonator. And you know what that means.
Jeeters: Egads! Not the dreaded Wile E. Coyote Effect! I’m doomed!
Batman: More like Ka-BOOMED!
Dillon: Unless you agree to a deal.
Jeeters: Anything you say, Marshal!
Dillon: Festus? Tell this joker what’s behind door number three.
Festus: Yeeeeeee doggies! Jeeters, looks like you’re goin’ to be Dodge City’s new rodeo clown!
Jeeters: Don’t kid a kidder!
Dillon: It’s either that … or we turn you over to the Cartwrights.
Festus: And would you lookee yonder! The Cartwright boys are jest now ridin’ up over that there hill. They ain’t gonna be too happy to see what you done to their ponies.
(Music is heard. “Bonanza” theme song.)
Festus: Looks like ol’ Ben’s got hisself a brandin’ iron, and Hoss’s totin’ that tommy hawk he yanked outta that Apache’s back last summer. Yep … there’s Little Joe with those nunchucks Hop Sing gave him fer Christmas.
Dillon: And Adam is brandishing the “Complete Works of William Shakespeare.” God help you, Jeeters.
Batman: Name your poison, Joker. Rodeo clown ... or Ponderosa pate?
Jeeters: (Singing) Be a clown! Be a clown! All the world loves a clown!
Robin: Holy Pagliacci, Batman!
THE END
